Black & White Thinkers vs Relational Thinkers (an Introduction)

2-thinkersAs I have looked back at my counseling throughout the years, I have noticed that there has been a certain population I have a difficult time connecting with and counseling.  It’s not that the counsel was bad, per se, but that the counsel was not connecting to how they operate.  As I considered their characteristics and comments, and as I did more research, I would say the similarities of these clients would lead me to conclude that they tend to be black & white thinkers.

As I thought about my relationships, I also learned that there are those close to me who are more black & white thinkers.  As a parent of one such thinker, I also found it difficult to connect with him at times because we think so differently.  For me, well, I am more of a relational thinker.  My motives, desires, and hopeful outcomes are very different than the black & white thinker.  As I have done some research on black & white thinking, I have found it to be seen mostly as a negative thing (one article called it a cognitive disorder) and all I have seen in writings have been from a secular viewpoint.  So, let’s take a few blogs to explore the black & white thinking biblically.  But first things first, what is a Black & White thinker and how is it different than a relational thinker*?

Black & white thinkers are typically described as believing in “all or nothing,” “good or bad,” “right or wrong,” “strong or weak,” and “smart or stupid.”  In these extremes, events or people (including themselves) are judged to be one or the other.  There is no middle ground or gray area.  Black & White thinkers typically focus on the tangible, “out in the open” things.  These are things that can be seen, heard, or measured (the fruit).  The thoughts or emotional processes and motives in decisions (the heart) are practically irrelevant and are difficult to grasp.  You make a decision based on what is right or wrong.  Period. You see other’s actions as “either-or.”  Either they love me and will show it (the way it is right for me (self-defined)), or they don’t love me.  Either the kids do what I say when I say it or they are disobedient.  Black & White thinkers generally recognize their need for relationships, but have a harder time connecting emotionally in relationships (I find this to be more true for males than females, who seem to be more relational than males).

Relational Thinkers (I’m using this term to describe what is most important to this type of person – relationship) live in the gray. Hardly anything is black & white. Relational Thinkers tend to be more flexible in their judgment of actions and people for the sake of the relationship. Relational thinkers tend to be more empathetic to others, placing themselves in the other’s shoes as much as they can, and sympathetic, identifying with the emotional struggles of others.  They will focus more on the “behind the scenes” stuff, such as emotions, thoughts, motives and desires and will tend to be more considerate of the other’s feelings.

In an argument, relational thinkers will tend to give in to others for the relationships’ sake while black and white thinkers tend to stand more on the absolute truths or facts.  In other words, relational thinkers will focus on the relationship of those engaged in the exchange, while the black & white thinkers will focus on the content of the exchange.  Each one focuses on what is most important to them.

As humans created in the Image of God, I believe it is important to see how both of these type of thinkers can reflect Him.  You see, God is both moral and relational.  There is absolute Truth because it is His universe.  There is absolute right and absolute wrong.  In His Word, He explains what wrong is (sin) throughout every 66 books of the Scriptures.  Yet as His Word explains what is wrong and sinful, these wrongs are also explained in the greater context of relationship between us and Him, the Bride (church) and the bridegroom (Christ).  Former Pastor and Speaker, Paul Tripp said, “Sin is not simply a breaking of the rules, it is a breaking in the relationship.”  In declaring what is wrong, God seeks the greater good for us, to have a relationship with Him that comes through the repentance of sin (moral) and the reconciliation with Him through Christ (relational).

Yet, even though both type of thinkers come from being image-bearers of God, it is necessary that we recognize that our type of thinking has been stained by the sin in our hearts.

For the Black & White Thinker, consider this: You interpret and perceive things as right and wrong, but in doing so, have you defined right or wrong, or does that come from God?  Does it take into account your relationship with God or others, or only yourself? Are you becoming like a Pharisee focusing on how others need to get in line while being blind to your own sins?  When you speak truth, is it spoken in love?

For the Relational Thinker, consider this: You can see things relationally, but in doing so, are you so focused on having a good relationship that you are refusing to deal with your sin or overlooking others’ sin?  Are you so focused on love and feeling good that you are making moral compromises?  Are you sidestepping discipline for the children so that you have good relationships with them?

Throughout the next few months, we’ll consider these two types of thinking and how they play a role in our relationships.  We will also focus on some passages of Scripture to help us understand the strengths and weaknesses of each and how to grow in faith & love.

For more on understanding Black & White Thinkers vs Black & White Thinking, Click on Part 2!:  

 

Q. What more can you add about black & white thinkers vs relational thinkers?  What questions come to mind when reading this?

 

*Honestly, there may be more types of thinkers than the two I have written about (black & white vs relational).  Yet for simplicity sake, I have narrowed it down to these two types of thinkers.  Perhaps further research will allow for additional categories and more discussions.

 

Meeting the Standard

Standard:  An acknowledged measure of comparison for quantitative or qualitative value;  A degree or level of requirement, excellence, or attainment; A requirement of moral conduct (www.thefreedictionary.com).

Setting a standard.  A standard of measurement.  Standardized tests.  Certain standards have been around, it seems, forever.  In the Old Testament, God had given Moses the Ten Commandments to express to the Israelites His standards that they were to meet.  The Ten Commandments were God’s law that was to be obeyed in love and fear of Him.  As none could follow the law, the law pointed to something greater:  Grace given through Christ.

Because of our sinful nature, we have a tendency to want to live according to certain standards as well as to set standards for others.  Where did these standards come from?  These standards may be originally mentioned through Scripture, they can be the standards of others for us, like parents or other authority figures or loved ones; or they can be standards that we set up for ourselves.   When we fail to meet these standards, we will be punished by those who made those standards (whether ourselves or others).  If, as a child, my parents set the standard of me not painting the cat, blue, and I painted the cat, blue, then I would be punished (I should have painted the cat red, instead!  Just kidding, we never had a cat) for not meeting that standard.  If I failed to meet the standard of my own making, I would punish myself by sulking and getting down on myself (followed by comfort food).

We regularly make standards for ourselves and for others to meet.  We call them expectations.  These expectations vary depending on our mood, the time of day, the person, and the location.  For example, when some wives are upset, they may expect their husbands to talk to them, to cuddle, or to leave them alone to figure things out.  These are the expectations that vary according to moods and situations.  These are the standards.  These are the law.  When they are not met successfully by their husbands, there is disappointment, hurt, and possibly expressed anger for not meeting the expectations.

All of us have standards for others and ourselves.  The problem is, they are like God’s law (10 Commandments) in that they cannot be met all the time.  Sometimes, yes…but all the time, impossible.  Instead of them being God’s law, however, it is our law.  We have raised ourselves to like God (as king) who has the right to punish others and ourselves for not meeting the standards we have set.

In striving to become like Christ, we must recognize how God responds to us when we fail to meet His standards. What does He do but give us grace.  He does this through Christ who willingly took the punishment for our sins upon himself.  Now, when we fail to meet God’s standards, we seek His forgiveness and receive his forgiveness through Christ.

But when others fail to meet our standards and expectations, how do we respond?  Is it in recognizing Christ’s sacrifice for them, too, in the forgiveness of their sins against us?  Can we recognize the grace that we have received in failing to meet His laws and give that grace to others who have not met our standards and laws?

Think about your own standards and expectations of others.  What will you do when they fail to meet them? Ask yourself, what did Christ do for me that he hasn’t done for them?  Will you look to give punishment that you have not received from God or will you look to extend the grace that you have received through Christ?  Think about it.