“she had a deep sense of insecurity”
synonyms: lack of confidence, self- doubt, diffidence, unassertiveness, timidity, uncertainty, nervousness, inhibition; More
Insecurity is something most of us have faced at some time or another. It doesn’t matter who you are, your personality, location, ethnicity, sex, etc. Insecurity is feeling self-doubt and a lack of confidence in who we are (identity) and what we are worth (value). Typically, most of us have felt this in our teen years, or even earlier. We first look to our parents for security (worth, etc.), then to peers and also to performance. If our peers like and accept us, or our performance in school or sports or arts gets us recognition & praise, then we feel good and have value. When considering parents, peers, and performance for our sense of security or worth, we can generally do without one, maybe two of them, but we have a hard time living without affirmation in all three. We may even grow older continuing to seek worth and approval by continuing to perform well, please parents, or please peers, but eventually performance and people pleasing backfire in relationships.
For black-and-white thinkers who are insecure, the “all or nothing” thinking plays a significant role in the interpretation of both words spoken to them and events surrounding them. As a result of the “all or nothing” / “right or wrong” thinking, they come to conclusions of negative self-worth. (Note: As a negative self-worth is present in depression, I recommend reading Black-and-White Thinking in Depression to understand how some of the thinking occurs.) Insecure individuals have a difficult time distinguishing between behaviors / actions and personhood. If you do something bad (actions), this means you are bad (personhood). And if you are bad, then your sense of worth decreases.
An insecure person generally takes things personally. Words of instruction or direction may be taken as criticism. Where black-and-white thinking may occur is when another person says they didn’t do something well, this is interpreted as meaning they did horrible. If one says they did good, this means they either did great or horrible (if they are perfectionists). It typically goes to either side of the extreme. There is no middle ground for many black-and-white Thinkers.
Responsibility & Protection
For some black-and-white thinkers, to accept responsibility for wrong (actions) would mean to admit fault. Admitting fault or guilt would mean they are bad, horrible, no good and worthless (personhood), and means they are entirely to blame for the issue (100% at fault). In order to protect themselves, some use blame-shifting, justifying (“I yelled because you disrespected me!“), and may even attack others so as to keep their fragile personhood in tact (0% at fault). For example, if you try to tell a black-and-white thinker that they did something wrong in a conflict, it is quite possible that they will think you are blaming them for the entire conflict. Why? Because they are either all to blame or not at all to blame. If they are all to blame, they are all bad or wrong. There may not be any middle ground. To take responsibility (or admit guilt or wrongdoing) only for their part (25%, 50%. 75%, etc.) may be difficult to grasp. So, they may either become down and depressed (feeling blamed for everything) or they may become more verbally aggressive (attacking others who they feel attacked them). This does not occur in all black-and-white thinkers, only those who are more insecure.
Self-protection & preservation is one of key tasks of an insecure black-and-white thinker. Often, feelings of hurt, rejection, grief, abandonment, etc. are too difficult to bear. Since black-and-white thinkers are more concrete, and feelings are abstract, working through such intangible feelings may seem an impossible task. Additionally, since such negative feelings of hurt, rejection, and abandonment are both difficult and painful to feel, black-and-white thinking may increase in order to simplify life and nullify feelings. It’s almost as if the protection mantra is this, “If the feelings aren’t acknowledged or felt, they are not there. They don’t exist.”* So life is simplified outside of emotions by refusing to feel, painful emotions are minimized, and the concrete words and actions become more of a focus.
Healing often begins when the negative emotions of hurt, rejection, and abandonment are acknowledged and worked through (felt), rather than ignored. This is best done after the individual first recognizes that their emotional security (identity, self-worth & value) rests in God’s love and Christ’s actions on the cross, and not on what others have said or done to them, or in their own performance. In order to work through such emotions, it would be wise to work through them with a trained Christ-centered counselor or a close, trusted friend or pastor. Being anchored in the Truth of God’s love and grace for them is essential in working through insecurity, as our worth and value must be anchored in the Truth of God’s Word. As God’s love and grace for us becomes more real, we are able to acknowledge guilt and responsibility because our sense of value and worth is based on the permanence of His love and grace, and not on our inconsistent selves or others varying words or actions.
If you are a black-and-white thinker, please consider how you have dealt with the negative emotions of rejection, hurt, grief or abandonment. Have you allowed yourself to feel them and work through them, or have you simplified the emotions into anger or ignored them entirely? Are you able to take responsibility for your actions alone and seek forgiveness for them, or do you blame-shift, justify, or refuse any guilt for words or actions you have expressed? If so, please also consider that God made you to be both a physical being, spiritual being, and emotional being. Working through painful emotions is a sign of maturity, and admitting fault or blame does not change your worth or value (it is actually acting in obedience to Christ!) and may even bring you closer to family members.
*At times, negative feelings of hurt, rejection, grief and abandonment filter into the one emotion that is acknowledged and deemed acceptable: anger. Anger can be a lightning rod of emotions where the negative emotions are simplified in the expression of anger. In such situations, physical confrontations or emotional abuse may not be far behind…
The Black-and-White Thinking Christian is my newest resource for helping Black & White Thinkers (BWT) grow in life, relationships, and in Christ. If you are a BWT, or have a BWT in your life, this is a great resource for personal growth and understanding. Now available on Amazon.com.
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